Doctor With Cancer

 

Apparently, I had become disoriented by the double pain medicine and was not in my right mind. The internist called in a urologist who recommended that I have a Foley catheter placed to allow me to sleep without the constant interruptions of getting up to urinate. Furthermore the urologist recommended out of caution that I have a procedure to biopsy the bladder to thereby rule out several pathologies- to which I consented. Days later, after the biopsy a somewhat humorous miscommunication happened in that my wife Dorothy was not yet told that my biopsies were positive for cancer (as apparently I was in my confused state), and so she warned several people that were visiting with me that I would in my confused state say that I had cancer which she incorrectly would nod no, I really didn’t have. So therefore as I explained to people that I had been diagnosed with cancer she would wink and smile to our friends only to find out to her great dismay that I really did have cancer.

 

My family came in after we were certain that I did have cancer and the doctors would ask how we wanted to proceed. As we talked about the different options, the urologist was able to pull some strings and arrange for me to be admitted into a Dallas hospital where a renowned urologist skilled in the treatment of bladder cancer could takeover my case. I remember being wheeled through the hospital and then being placed in a very hard riding ambulance in which I felt every bump, crack, and crevice on our trip to Dallas. The next day, I met this bladder cancer specialist who proceeded to order staging tests to determine if the cancer had spread beyond my bladder. After getting the good news that it was localized at that time to my bladder he then told me he was going to perform an extensive radical surgery "removing my bladder, my prostate, my seminal vesicles, and every lymph node he could reach”. In addition, he told me he would either perform a surgery that would allow me to collect urine in an out of body pouch or he would make me a new bladder from my own colon!!!!

I take a moment or two here to explain something of a personal nature. I have a belief not only that GOD exists but that He is in a very real sense my Father-in Heaven, (and your Father) and that He is not impersonal and infinite but is very personal and intimate, caring about all of his children and about the smallest details of our lives. While some seem to believe in a God who is like a “celestial butler” only existing to provide for us the things we desire, I have come to believe that He is a complete Father, Teacher, and Coach helping us to come to understand who we are and who we have the capacity to become (though it can at times be hard).

As I received distressing news, I would try to communicate with my FATHER, to discuss with Him my situation and ask Him what He would have me to do. Many times in my life, I have heard His subtle spiritual voice whisper to me of His love, assurance, and even His guidance. At this time, I felt absolutely certain, that I was not to have that surgery, although I didn’t have a “revealed” path to pursue. Yet I felt led that while I didn’t know the way to go, I did know which way I was not to go. Indeed, as I now look back from the perspective of years, He has led me, often step by step, but there were other times when I would not know more than one step ahead what to do. Only on occasion would He give me more understanding than the single step direction. I believe that He has done this for more than just one reason. Certainly, I have developed a more certain reliance upon Him, and since I needed more humility (who doesn’t), I was developing greater humility by being constantly looking to Him for wisdom and direction!

 

Well, I left that hospital just as quickly as I could and came home to the security and comfort of my home. As I began to plan for the direction to go, I remembered that years before I had a dear patient who was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer and as he asked my opinion about what he should do, I had researched the topic and come up with the name of a doctor in Houston. I then decided to call that clinic and made an appointment. Travel was difficult with many gastrointestinal upset’s (and my mental confusion), yet with a help of my dear wife and brother Frank, we began to make visits down to this cancer clinic. Because of the bleeding that was so evident now in my urine, the doctors there would have to give my chemotherapy by way of mouth unfortunately.

 

With that route of administration I had much nausea and profound vomiting that it made it almost impossible for me to eat and keep anything down. My weight for over 10 years prior to the cancer had been 193 pounds but with these medications everything I ate tasted of metal, and I began to lose rapidly to 139 pounds. With this weight loss, I began to get even weaker and more lethargic with time To the point that many of my friends and acquaintances could no longer recognize me. I had in the course of taking care of many dying patients developed an ability to predict a persons date of their demise. As I saw my face and body in the mirror my appearance began to worry me and after four months of being on this oral chemotherapy I had the appearance one I had seen so many times before of being well on my way to death! Upon my last visit with this Houston doctor, he said to me the words I had heard before from other patient’s experiences, “My doctor told me that nothing further could be done and I needed to go home and get my affairs in order.” Perhaps because I was already at a low point emotionally, I don’t remember feeling that upset by this pronouncement! Yet I had no direction in which to go, my nausea and vomiting persisted and I was so very weak. I finally reached the point in which I was comfortable “dying or living”—— maybe to the point of even being ambivalent about it. And I thought to myself this is the best attitude I can have. As a Christian and one who believes to the point of having no fear about death or having a question of whether there is life after death with my beloved CREATOR and my SAVIOR, I was comforted and at peace with going or staying! That was until a good friend of mine and his wife came by to say goodbye for he was traveling abroad for several years for our church, and they felt as though they would not see me alive again.

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